NOW PLAYING / THE ABSURD DOCKET

True, Your Honor

Reality has a strange defense.

A true-or-false quiz of bizarre legal rulings. Some happened. Some are invented. You decide.

Open the docket 100 RULINGS · 45 SECONDS · 3 STRIKES

COMING SOON

Here Be Ducks — a novel of the high seas, by Dilettante

COMING SOON

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Cover for The Man Who Had the Whole World in His Head — The Man Who Had the Whole World in His HeadFollow a thread

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Cover for She Opened Him Up — She Opened Him UpFollow a thread

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Cover for Ha Nascosto gli Indizi — Ha Nascosto gli IndiziFollow a thread

Cover for Apple of My Eye — Apple of My EyeFollow a thread

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Cover for In Hot Water — In Hot WaterFollow a thread

Cover for Unexpected Item in the Bagging Area of the Outer Rim — Unexpected Item in the Bagging Area of the Outer RimFollow a thread

Cover for Soft Centres — Soft CentresFollow a thread

Cover for The Coolest Girl in the Whole Solar System — The Coolest Girl in the Whole Solar SystemFollow a thread

Cover for Cut & Run — Cut & RunFollow a thread

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Cover for Whale Watching — Whale WatchingFollow a thread

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Cover for The Road Trip (alternate cover) — The Road Trip (alternate cover)Follow a thread

Cover for Gaslit — GaslitFollow a thread

Cover for Sword of Destiny, Some Assembly Required, Instructions Only in Elvish — Sword of Destiny, Some Assembly Required, Instructions Only in ElvishFollow a thread

Cover for Something Came Between Us, and It Was Forty Feet Wide and Extra Strong — Something Came Between Us, and It Was Forty Feet Wide and Extra StrongFollow a thread

Cover for Walk of Shame — Walk of ShameFollow a thread

Cover for Nobody in This Family Can Keep a Secret, but Everyone Can Spill the Tea — Nobody in This Family Can Keep a Secret, but Everyone Can Spill the TeaFollow a thread

Cover for She Finally Let It All Go, and It Went — She Finally Let It All Go, and It WentFollow a thread

Cover for The Ice Must Flow — The Ice Must FlowFollow a thread

Cover for Where the Wild Things Snore — Where the Wild Things SnoreFollow a thread

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Cover for He Built a Small House Called a Cocoon — He Built a Small House Called a CocoonFollow a thread

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Cover for I'm Gonna Make Him an Orbit He Can't Refuse — I'm Gonna Make Him an Orbit He Can't RefuseFollow a thread

Cover for Hunt for the Red Button — Hunt for the Red ButtonFollow a thread

Cover for Te Comeria a Besos — Te Comeria a BesosFollow a thread

Cover for The Dogfather — The DogfatherFollow a thread

Cover for The Chosen Few Thousand — The Chosen Few ThousandFollow a thread

Cover for The Earth Moved for Her — The Earth Moved for HerFollow a thread

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Cover for Keeping Up With the Sconeses — Keeping Up With the SconesesFollow a thread

Cover for Somebody Hung Mistletoe Over the Entire Car Park — Somebody Hung Mistletoe Over the Entire Car ParkFollow a thread

Cover for Everyone Else Is Kissing — Everyone Else Is KissingFollow a thread

Cover for Loose Threads — Loose ThreadsFollow a thread

Cover for Chosen, Pending Review — Chosen, Pending ReviewFollow a thread

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Cover for A Room of One's Own, Minus the Room — A Room of One's Own, Minus the RoomFollow a thread

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Cover for A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Ham — A Portrait of the Artist as a Young HamFollow a thread

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Cover for The Wizard of Ounces — The Wizard of OuncesFollow a thread

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Cover for Bottleneck — BottleneckFollow a thread

Cover for Gone with the Wind Chime — Gone with the Wind ChimeFollow a thread

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Cover for A Room with a Queue — A Room with a QueueFollow a thread

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Cover for Bedhead Revisited — Bedhead RevisitedFollow a thread

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Cover for The Remains of the Buffet — The Remains of the BuffetFollow a thread

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Cover for Big Cheese — Big CheeseFollow a thread

Cover for The Son Also Rises — The Son Also RisesFollow a thread

Cover for The Invisible Man Bun — The Invisible Man BunFollow a thread

Cover for Elbow Room — Elbow RoomFollow a thread

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Cover for Tiny House on the Prairie — Tiny House on the PrairieFollow a thread

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Cover for The Call of the Mild — The Call of the MildFollow a thread

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Cover for Tongue-Tied — Tongue-TiedFollow a thread

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Cover for Of Mice and Menus — Of Mice and MenusFollow a thread

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The Profile Picture of Dorian GrayFollow a thread

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Cover for War and Peas — War and PeasFollow a thread

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Cover for He Showered Every Day, Which Was the Problem — He Showered Every Day, Which Was the ProblemFollow a thread

Cover for Personal Space — Personal SpaceFollow a thread

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Cover for The Astronaut Whose Head Was a Candle — The Astronaut Whose Head Was a CandleFollow a thread

Cover for The Road to the Fridge — The Road to the FridgeFollow a thread

Cover for Meltdown — MeltdownFollow a thread

Cover for She Threw the Bouquet — She Threw the BouquetFollow a thread

Cover for Two Plugs, No Socket — Two Plugs, No SocketFollow a thread

Cover for The Godmother — The GodmotherFollow a thread

Cover for Don't Go Back in the Airlock — Don't Go Back in the AirlockFollow a thread

Cover for Pressed — PressedFollow a thread

Cover for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Laundry — The Hitchhiker's Guide to the LaundryFollow a thread

Cover for Gatsby Did Not See Anything, Officer — Gatsby Did Not See Anything, OfficerFollow a thread

Cover for Gelato — GelatoFollow a thread

Cover for Last Night I Dreamt Manderley Achieved Liftoff — Last Night I Dreamt Manderley Achieved LiftoffFollow a thread

Cover for Long Distance — Long DistanceFollow a thread

Cover for Space Cadet — Space CadetFollow a thread

Cover for The Chosen One Must Return the Remote to the Couch Before Dad Gets Home — The Chosen One Must Return the Remote to the Couch Before Dad Gets HomeFollow a thread

Cover for Moby-Dick in Space — Moby-Dick in SpaceFollow a thread

Cover for Musical Chairs — Musical ChairsFollow a thread

Cover for We Were Going to Kiss, But It Was Ninety-Eight Degrees in Kyoto — We Were Going to Kiss, But It Was Ninety-Eight Degrees in KyotoFollow a thread

Cover for She Left the Kettle On — She Left the Kettle OnFollow a thread

Cover for The Road Trip — The Road TripFollow a thread

Cover for Bright Idea — Bright IdeaFollow a thread

Cover for Daylight Saving — Daylight SavingFollow a thread

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Cover for Do Astronauts Dream of Melting Cheese — Do Astronauts Dream of Melting CheeseFollow a thread

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Cover for I Have a Bad Feeling About This Toaster & the Whole Galaxy — I Have a Bad Feeling About This Toaster & the Whole GalaxyFollow a thread

Cover for I Went Looking for Myself & Found Too Many — I Went Looking for Myself & Found Too ManyFollow a thread

Cover for My Husband Came Back From Mars With a Lamp for a Head & Nobody Noticed — My Husband Came Back From Mars With a Lamp for a Head & Nobody NoticedFollow a thread

Cover for Pistil Whipped — Pistil WhippedFollow a thread

Cover for Bath Club — Bath ClubFollow a thread

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Cover for The Smell Jar — The Smell JarFollow a thread

Cover for Deep End & Disco — Deep End & DiscoFollow a thread

Cover for Let the Wild Rumpus Wait Until I've Had My Bath — Let the Wild Rumpus Wait Until I've Had My BathFollow a thread

Cover for My Luggage Went to Lisbon Without Me — My Luggage Went to Lisbon Without MeFollow a thread

Cover for Everything I Planted on Arrakis Was a Worm — Everything I Planted on Arrakis Was a WormFollow a thread

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Cover for You Are Here & Nobody Else Is — You Are Here & Nobody Else IsFollow a thread

Cover for A Clockwork Creamsicle — A Clockwork CreamsicleFollow a thread

Cover for The Lord of the Rings Around the Tub — The Lord of the Rings Around the TubFollow a thread

Cover for The Moon Is a Harsh Landlord — The Moon Is a Harsh LandlordFollow a thread

Cover for The Unbearable Lightness of Being Promoted — The Unbearable Lightness of Being PromotedFollow a thread

Cover for Mildew & Longing — Mildew & LongingFollow a thread

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Cover for We Crossed the Desert in Search of the Other Flip-Flop — We Crossed the Desert in Search of the Other Flip-FlopFollow a thread

Cover for Gone to the Florist & Not Coming Back — Gone to the Florist & Not Coming BackFollow a thread

Cover for Nobody on This Planet Has Asked About My Scarf — Nobody on This Planet Has Asked About My ScarfFollow a thread

Cover for Both of Us Thought the Other Was Driving — Both of Us Thought the Other Was DrivingFollow a thread

Cover for Haunted & Habitable — Haunted & HabitableFollow a thread

Cover for My Uncle Left Me the Hat & Absolutely Nothing Else of Value — My Uncle Left Me the Hat & Absolutely Nothing Else of ValueFollow a thread

Cover for Every Single Spaceship in This Parking Lot — Every Single Spaceship in This Parking LotFollow a thread

Cover for I Only Went In Up to My Knees & Look What Happened — I Only Went In Up to My Knees & Look What HappenedFollow a thread

Cover for She Ate Through Monday, Tuesday & Most of Her Marriage — She Ate Through Monday, Tuesday & Most of Her MarriageFollow a thread

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Cover for Sunny Side — Sunny SideFollow a thread

Cover for The Loosening — The LooseningFollow a thread

Cover for She Made the Bed — She Made the BedFollow a thread

Cover for The Only House on the Lane — The Only House on the LaneFollow a thread

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Cover for The Sword Was Wax — The Sword Was WaxFollow a thread

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Cover for Beyond the Horizon (Mostly) — Beyond the Horizon (Mostly)Follow a thread

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Cover for The Long Walk to Gravy — The Long Walk to GravyFollow a thread

Cover for Overthinking It — Overthinking ItFollow a thread

Cover for She Never Returned the Spoon — She Never Returned the SpoonFollow a thread

Cover for Everyone I Built Is Leaving — Everyone I Built Is LeavingFollow a thread

Cover for Here Be Ducks — Here Be DucksFollow a thread

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Cover for Be Still, My Hamster — Be Still, My HamsterFollow a thread

Cover for Someone Has Been Sitting Here — Someone Has Been Sitting HereFollow a thread

Cover for The Jam at the Center of the World — The Jam at the Center of the WorldFollow a thread

Cover for A Natural History of Locked Doors — A Natural History of Locked DoorsFollow a thread

Cover for Proof of Warmth — Proof of WarmthFollow a thread

Cover for How the Heart Is Supposed to Work — How the Heart Is Supposed to WorkFollow a thread

Cover for Notifications, 1851 — Notifications, 1851Follow a thread

Cover for Minor Acrobatics — Minor AcrobaticsFollow a thread

Cover for The Man Who Sailed on Toast — The Man Who Sailed on ToastFollow a thread

Cover for The Patron Saint of Leftovers — The Patron Saint of LeftoversFollow a thread

Cover for Houston, We Have a Garden — Houston, We Have a GardenFollow a thread

Cover for Hold Still While I Mend You — Hold Still While I Mend YouFollow a thread

Cover for Inside Voices — Inside VoicesFollow a thread

Cover for Take As Needed — Take As NeededFollow a thread

Cover for The Smallest Door — The Smallest DoorFollow a thread

Cover for The Weather Inside Octopuses — The Weather Inside OctopusesFollow a thread

Cover for A Field Guide to Leaving — A Field Guide to LeavingFollow a thread

Cover for Small Gods of the Vending Machine — Small Gods of the Vending MachineFollow a thread

Cover for Everything Spreads From Here — Everything Spreads From HereFollow a thread

Cover for Chaotic Tendrils — Chaotic TendrilsFollow a thread

Cover for How I Rose From the Dead in My Spare Time and So Can You — How I Rose From the Dead in My Spare Time and So Can YouFollow a thread

Cover for Bucket of Smells — Bucket of SmellsFollow a thread

Cover for Imprimis — ImprimisFollow a thread

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Cover for Bayesian School Girl — Bayesian School GirlFollow a thread

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Cover for The Early Works — The Early WorksFollow a thread

Cover for The Sixteenth Edge of This Cube — The Sixteenth Edge of This CubeFollow a thread

Cover for The Revenge of the Triangle — The Revenge of the TriangleFollow a thread

Cover for The Good Parts of Bill Cosby — The Good Parts of Bill CosbyFollow a thread

Cover for Dilettante — DilettanteFollow a thread

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Cover for My Nazi Ex-Girlfriend — My Nazi Ex-GirlfriendFollow a thread

Cover for Glaucoma — GlaucomaFollow a thread

Cover for Fickle Florence — Fickle FlorenceFollow a thread

Cover for The Good Parts of A New Earth — The Good Parts of A New EarthFollow a thread

Forthcoming books by Dilettante.

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FICTION · ESSAYS · SATIRE · WORKS IN PROGRESS

His writing has been described as “unpublishable but necessary.”

Stories, arguments, and the next good sentence.Explore the infinite library.

FROM END OF NOVELTY

Browse all 24 pages

The earlier pages.
The complete books.

An archive of writing, images, and detours.

Cover or image for Dilettante

BOOKS

Dilettante

Complete PDF · 151 pages.

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Cover or image for Glaucoma

BOOKS

Glaucoma

Complete PDF · 91 pages.

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The Early Works

Complete PDF · 93 pages.

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SELECTED WORK / 08 THREADS TO FOLLOW

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An ominous manor beyond iron bars, with a porcelain teacup in the shadowed foreground.

NEW ON THE DESK 01 / 08

PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER · SATIRICAL HORROR

An FBI investigator follows missing women to a professor’s estate. Captivity is disguised as conversion.

Outline V3

A bewildered groom stands alone at an empty wedding altar, with a fallen red rose in the aisle.

FROM THE INFINITE LIBRARY 02 / 08

FICTION · COMIC PREMISE

Left at the altar. Fired from Uber. Shane’s search for a fresh start takes a very strange turn.

Premise & opening beats

FROM THE INFINITE LIBRARY 03 / 08

ESSAY · SHORT BOOK

A plainspoken case against libertarian free will, and an inquiry into consciousness as a “ride-along.”

Arguments & outline

A typewriter beneath a floating theatrical mask, surrounded by loose punctuation marks.

FROM THE INFINITE LIBRARY 04 / 08

SATIRE · MANUSCRIPT

Identity becomes a running joke. Then the joke starts looking back. Read the uploaded satire manuscript.

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Two adults separated by a rain-streaked cafe window and its reflections.

FROM THE INFINITE LIBRARY 05 / 08

EARLIER FICTION IDEA

An unnamed narrator, Alice, and a secret obsession. An earlier romance idea with another page still to find.

Scenes & an earlier premise

Original Dilettante cover

FROM END OF NOVELTY 06 / 08

END OF NOVELTY · COMPLETE BOOK

Dilettante

A complete 151-page PDF, preserved with its original cover in the End of Novelty archive.

151-page PDF

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Original Glaucoma cover

FROM END OF NOVELTY 07 / 08

END OF NOVELTY · COMPLETE BOOK

Glaucoma

A complete 91-page PDF, preserved with its original cover in the End of Novelty archive.

91-page PDF

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Original The Early Works cover

FROM END OF NOVELTY 08 / 08

END OF NOVELTY · COMPLETE BOOK

The Early Works

A complete 93-page PDF, preserved with its original cover in the End of Novelty archive.

93-page PDF

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